


Toddler Trouble

by hpd_lance



Series: Tales from the crib [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Terrible Twos, Text Format, Toddlers, au where dave is dirks big bro and dirk is 2, based on a true story rip, cursing because homestuck, fucking TODDLERS MAN, how the fuck do parents deal with toddlers all day ok, i have a 3 year old sister and a six year old sister and i can confirm its hell, like it reads like a text conversation, motherfucking toddlers just fucking shit up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:03:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8777008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hpd_lance/pseuds/hpd_lance
Summary: a text conversation between an exhasperated dave and a laughing karkat
or, the one in which dirk has reached his terrible twos and gets into every-fucking-thing





	

to: karkles _(:з」∠)_

12/6/16

7:47 PM  
_karkat i am so fucking pissed right now you dont even know okay_  
7:48 PM  
_so like i was peacefully taking a shit right and then like im done so i wash my hands like a functioning member of society and i walk into the kitchen to get paper towels to dry my goddamn hands on because i'm not a fucking imbecile and do you know what i see when i come out of the bathroom?????_  
7:49 PM  
_dirk_  
7:49 PM  
_buckass naked_  
7:50 PM  
_clutching roses fucking 50 dollar eyeliner in his grubby little 2 year old hand_  
7:50 PM  
_and thats not all oh *no*_  
7:50 PM  
_this little shit is fucking covered in the fucking eyeliner_  
7:50 PM  
_if he wasnt already black itd look like he was doing blackface or some shit_  
7:51 PM  
_and it was all over the fucking wall too and now rose is screaming at me but like i asked her to watch dirk for me while i went to take a shit_  
7:51 PM  
_its not my fault my baby brother got into her shit and like its not even the first time this has happened youd think shed learn to keep her shit up where dirk cant reach it but no???_  
7:52 PM  
_youre on my side right_

from: karkles _(:з」∠)_

7:56 PM  
**DAVE I AM LAUGHING SO HARD YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE OH MY GOD???**  
7:56 PM  
**THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS TO ME I CAN'T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING.**

to: karkles _(:з」∠)_

7:58 PM  
_you know babe i was kind of hoping youd take this a little more serious here_  
7:58 PM  
_my life is on the line_  
7:58 PM  
_rose is literally threatening to murder me_  
7:59 PM  
_karkat babe please_

from: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:01 PM  
**I'M STILL LAUGHING. TELL ROSE I'LL BUY HER A NEW EYELINER.**  
**HAVE YOU GIVEN DIRK A BATH YET?**

to: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:01 PM  
_quit laughing im literally crying right now okay_  
_dirk is in the bath right now and im trying to scrub this shit off him with roses bath poof_  
_its not coming off and rose is laughing because its fucking waterproof_

from: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:05 PM  
**USE BABY WIPES. THEY'RE FUCKING MAGICAL.**

to: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:05 PM  
_i love you so fucking much dude_  
8:05 PM  
_im still crying though i turn my back for 5 seconds to take a shit and dirk gets into everything_  
8:06 PM  
_i literally had to buy a fucking gun cabinet with a 16 digit combination lock for my swords_  
8:06 PM  
_i just wanna know how the fuck this kid got into the eyeliner when rose has it in her medicine cabinet like 5 foot off the ground_

from: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:09 PM  
**YOU'RE WELCOME.**  
8:09 PM  
**DIRK PROBABLY CLIMBED UP ON THE SINK TO REACH THE CABINET. KANKRI TRIES TO CLIMB ONTO THE COUNTERS TO GET TO THE MARKERS SO HE CAN DRAW WEIRD POLITICAL CARTOONS ON THE FRIDGE.**  
8:09 PM  
**LITERALLY HIS LAST WORK OF ART IS SHARPIED IN CANDY RED ON THE DOOR AND NO AMOUNT OF MR. CLEAN ERASERS HAVE MANAGED TO GET IT OFF.**

to: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:11 PM  
_i just dont get why toddlers are so destructive man_  
8:11 PM  
_its so fucking frustrating like wtf_  
8:11 PM  
_i should just put dirk in quarantine until hes 6 maybe then hell actually behave once in a while_

from: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:14 PM  
**HONESTLY I DON'T THINK SIX IS ANY BETTER.**  
8:14 PM  
**KANKRI IS SIX, REMEMBER.**  
8:14 PM  
**TRY DEALING WITH A SIX YEAR OLD WHO HAS POLITICAL OPINIONS AND IS FLUENT IN THREE LANGUAGES.**  
8:14 PM  
**IT'S LIVING HELL.**

to: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:18 PM  
_okay i gtg rose is yelling at me because roxy got into my underwear drawer_  
8:18 PM  
_i think she opened my condoms and is wearing some as a socks?_  
8:18 PM  
_idk she just ran past the bathroom with something suspiciously slimy lookin on her feet so_

from: karkles _(:з」∠)_

8:22 PM  
**WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.**

**Author's Note:**

> literally based on a true story. i came out to have a good time and found that my baby sister had covered herself in eyeliner (luckily, not her whole face, we're white people and thats not cool) and it took a solid 30 minutes to get all of the eyeliner off of her body. luckily it was cheap ass ELF eyeliner so it's only gonna cost 3 bucks to replace lmao


End file.
